I have been incredibly blessed to have carried and delivered 3 healthy children.
My first baby, Jacob, was born early at 36 weeks.
My second baby, Emily, was stubborn and had to be coaxed out of her comfy resting place at 41 weeks.
My third baby, Matthew, was the only one to arrive on his own timing and was born at 39 weeks.
This baby, my 4th child, will be delivered to me at 37 weeks. From the day we saw her face for the very first time, May 14th, to the day we get to see her face in person, January 28th, will be exactly 37 weeks. I'm so relieved I don't have to go overdue again this time!
Showing posts with label adopt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adopt. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Comments and comebacks
It happened. I knew from reading other adoptive parent's stories that the negative and ignorant comments would flow but we had, fortunately, not experienced any so far. Until this weekend.
What was supposed to be a happy family gathering to celebrate a grandparent's 85th birthday turned into an afternoon that still simmers in my mind as the day I had to defend our very personal choice and decision to adopt from China. It's been a few days now and the anger is almost as fresh as the day it happened.
Part of me says I shouldn't blog about this because it won't really help the situation. But, as I've stated before, I honestly hope my blog will bring other people to consider adoption and in that consideration comes the good, bad and ugly. This is the ugly, or at least part of the ugly.
I will preface this by saying I usually try to handle conversations in a polite manner and not this way at all. I think I responded the way I did because I felt like our personal choice was being attacked and what does a mama bear do when their family is attacked? You guessed it, defend.
While this conversation may read innocent enough on the screen, these questions were asked in a very snotty, antagonistic tone.
D: I heard you guys were adopting and my first thought was "why China?" So, why China?
Because that is where God put her.
D: But, why China?
Because that is where God put her.
D: But, there are so many kids in the US.
Have you researched adopting a child in the US?
D: No.
That is why we are going to China.
Mish Mash, small talk and more questions.
D: So, what does Emily think?
Emily is thrilled and can't wait for her sister to come home.
D: Will Claire have her own room?
No, she will share a room with Emily.
D: What does Emily think about that?
Again, she is very excited; she has been asking for a sister for years.
D: Uh huh, we'll see what she thinks once she is here. So, what do the other kids think about all this?
We are all very excited and talk about Claire every day. Things like one chair is left at our table and Claire will make our table full, things we are going to do when she comes home, etc.
D: raised eyebrows: Well, I can't wait to see what its like a couple months after she comes home; see if they are still so excited.
This is no different than me carrying a child and giving birth; a new sibling will be an adjustment.
More mish mash questions. I think I'm on trial at this point.
I had Claire's pictures with me and they were lying on the table. One of them was the original picture and one was the more recent one. Granted, she looks a bit different but she is also not smiling in one of them.
D: So which one are you adopting?
They are the same girl.
D: I hate to say it....I really hate to say it but she looks like a boy.
She's our daughter and it doesn't matter to us.
D: I just hate to say it...
Then don't!
D: I hate to say it...
Then don't, keep it to yourself and don't say it.
D: Well, I wish you luck.
We don't need luck, we have God.
At that point I was finished with this conversation.
A few pointers for people who do not understand adoption and how it works.
1. The choice of what kind of adoption a person pursues is personal; just as personal as the person you want to marry, when you want to have children and what you want to name your children. It is not up for questioning or interrogation. Just as it is inappropriate to question someone's choice to have more than one child or not to have any children, it is inappropriate to question adding children to a family through adoption.
2. Adopted children are no different to a family than biological children. I know this is hard for some people to understand, especially if they have never really thought about adoption. We will not love her any less or any differently.
3. There isn't a refund option for adopted children, even if our children decide in two months that it isn't all pretty and rosy. We don't get to send her back and say this isn't what we thought it would be. You can't do that with a new car, why on earth would that be an insinuated for a child?!
4. Other countries and cultures do their hair differently and may have very good reasons for short hair. There are many children in each orphanage and it makes caring for the children easier if girls do not have long hair.
5. Other countries and cultures aren't snap happy with cameras like we are here in the US. The fact that we have one picture of a smiling child from China is rare. 99% of children available for adoption from China are not smiling in photos; they simply aren't used to cameras in their face.
6. Back to the golden rule- If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I can't imagine someone would ever tell a parent to their face that their girl looked like a boy so why would that be OK now? Is it because we haven't brought her home yet?
I honestly hope we do not encounter anymore 'adoption trial' questioning sessions again; unless of course it is by our social worker at our post-placement visits.
What was supposed to be a happy family gathering to celebrate a grandparent's 85th birthday turned into an afternoon that still simmers in my mind as the day I had to defend our very personal choice and decision to adopt from China. It's been a few days now and the anger is almost as fresh as the day it happened.
Part of me says I shouldn't blog about this because it won't really help the situation. But, as I've stated before, I honestly hope my blog will bring other people to consider adoption and in that consideration comes the good, bad and ugly. This is the ugly, or at least part of the ugly.
I will preface this by saying I usually try to handle conversations in a polite manner and not this way at all. I think I responded the way I did because I felt like our personal choice was being attacked and what does a mama bear do when their family is attacked? You guessed it, defend.
While this conversation may read innocent enough on the screen, these questions were asked in a very snotty, antagonistic tone.
D: I heard you guys were adopting and my first thought was "why China?" So, why China?
Because that is where God put her.
D: But, why China?
Because that is where God put her.
D: But, there are so many kids in the US.
Have you researched adopting a child in the US?
D: No.
That is why we are going to China.
Mish Mash, small talk and more questions.
D: So, what does Emily think?
Emily is thrilled and can't wait for her sister to come home.
D: Will Claire have her own room?
No, she will share a room with Emily.
D: What does Emily think about that?
Again, she is very excited; she has been asking for a sister for years.
D: Uh huh, we'll see what she thinks once she is here. So, what do the other kids think about all this?
We are all very excited and talk about Claire every day. Things like one chair is left at our table and Claire will make our table full, things we are going to do when she comes home, etc.
D: raised eyebrows: Well, I can't wait to see what its like a couple months after she comes home; see if they are still so excited.
This is no different than me carrying a child and giving birth; a new sibling will be an adjustment.
More mish mash questions. I think I'm on trial at this point.
I had Claire's pictures with me and they were lying on the table. One of them was the original picture and one was the more recent one. Granted, she looks a bit different but she is also not smiling in one of them.
D: So which one are you adopting?
They are the same girl.
D: I hate to say it....I really hate to say it but she looks like a boy.
She's our daughter and it doesn't matter to us.
D: I just hate to say it...
Then don't!
D: I hate to say it...
Then don't, keep it to yourself and don't say it.
D: Well, I wish you luck.
We don't need luck, we have God.
At that point I was finished with this conversation.
A few pointers for people who do not understand adoption and how it works.
1. The choice of what kind of adoption a person pursues is personal; just as personal as the person you want to marry, when you want to have children and what you want to name your children. It is not up for questioning or interrogation. Just as it is inappropriate to question someone's choice to have more than one child or not to have any children, it is inappropriate to question adding children to a family through adoption.
2. Adopted children are no different to a family than biological children. I know this is hard for some people to understand, especially if they have never really thought about adoption. We will not love her any less or any differently.
3. There isn't a refund option for adopted children, even if our children decide in two months that it isn't all pretty and rosy. We don't get to send her back and say this isn't what we thought it would be. You can't do that with a new car, why on earth would that be an insinuated for a child?!
4. Other countries and cultures do their hair differently and may have very good reasons for short hair. There are many children in each orphanage and it makes caring for the children easier if girls do not have long hair.
5. Other countries and cultures aren't snap happy with cameras like we are here in the US. The fact that we have one picture of a smiling child from China is rare. 99% of children available for adoption from China are not smiling in photos; they simply aren't used to cameras in their face.
6. Back to the golden rule- If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I can't imagine someone would ever tell a parent to their face that their girl looked like a boy so why would that be OK now? Is it because we haven't brought her home yet?
I honestly hope we do not encounter anymore 'adoption trial' questioning sessions again; unless of course it is by our social worker at our post-placement visits.
Friday, July 31, 2009
So, Why China?
We get this question a lot. Sometimes it is from well-intended family members or friends who are genuinely curious on what made us choose to adopt from China. Other times it is someone who has zero knowledge of the adoption process and thinks we are elitists who won't adopt from the US.
A large part of me feels like I don't need to justify our decisions to anyone. We prayerfully considered the way we wanted to add more children to our family and we feel God is taking us to China. End of story.
But, I do understand the genuine curiosity about what leads adoptive couples to make one of the biggest decisions in their lives and I admit I share the same curiosity when I hear of other couple's decision to adopt from other countries or the US foster system. I hope my blog can reach just one person who is contemplating adoption and to help them understand the thought process that brought us to the China, I will lay it out here.
Domestic adoption
Domestic adoption is typically referred to as an adoption plan set up by a birth mother. They are usually newborn infants adopted by the couple or person the birth mother or agency chooses. The majority of the adoptions are semi-open to open adoptions that allow contact with the birth mom set forth by a plan devised between her and the adoptive family.
I've seen costs for domestic adoption range from $12,000-$35,000 or more.
Our children are all 7 years old or older; we knew immediately we did not want to adopt a newborn. Even though the disruption statistics are lower than what most people assume we still were not comfortable with the idea we could pay a few thousand dollars and have the possibility that the child would not be placed for adoption at the last minute and we'd be back at square one- financially and emotionally.
Domestic adoption was not for us.
Foster Adoption
The foster adoptions are facilitated through Division of Family Services in each individual state. Many, many children in the US wait for forever homes and in the deciding stages of our adoption I felt incredible guilt that I wasn't pulled towards foster adoption. I know they need good homes; I know they need the love of stable parents but at this time we just didn't feel it was a good fit for our family.
The age range and gender of the child we want to adopt is quite common among adoptive families (beyond newborn adoption). We would have most likely waited a year or more to be matched with a child. Due to the age we desired this child would have most likely come to us before their parental rights were terminated making for required visits with the birth family. The goal of DFS is to reunite a child with their birth family. I completely understand that and whole-heartedly support it when it is clear that is best for the child. Unfortunately, it can take years to terminate parental rights in some cases and the risk does exists that the child will be reunited and your adoption plan terminated.
We have three children already and while making the decision to 1. adopt and 2. what avenue we would take to adopt, we had to consider the needs of our current children first. Is any adoption going to be easy, especially when adopting an older child? No. But we felt the risk of a complete upheaval to our childrens' daily lives was higher when adopting an older child from the foster system. This could have been completely untrue but when weighing all of our options we didn't feel like we were the best family for a foster child at this time.
International Adoption
Children who are orphans are available for adoption from many countries, all of which have different guidelines and restrictions and of course, a fairly wide range of cost. Here is a good chart comparing the different guidelines, restrictions and cost.
Our list of countries were narrowed down fairly quickly based on number of children in the home already, children available, wait times, length of travel and of course, cost again. We considered potential situations that may arise after placement based on reported prenatal and orphanage care before the adoption, and how we could use that information to minimize the risk of upheaval to our current family life.
And the bottom line to all of this is- GOD is taking us to China. After comparing, considering and praying about what would be the best way for us to add another child to our family, I kept coming back to China. Is it the orphanage care, the travel, the cost, the one-child policy, the clear restrictions (you meet them and adopt or you don't meet them and you don't adopt)? Yes, it is. But all of that didn't make our decision to adopt from China; the pull at my heart every time I considered another country or option, that I truly feel was put there by God, is why we found our daughter in China.
Is this going to be hard? Yes
Are we going to face challenges due to Claire being six/seven years old at adoption? Yes
Will Claire grieve the loss of her foster family, her culture, her language, her country? Yes
Are we prepared? Eh, I want to think so but no, we probably aren't.
Will parenting her be different from the other children? Yes
Is attachment and bonding going to be hard? Yes
Is it a big risk? Yes
Is it worth it? Absolutely
Just like getting two positive lines on an EPT, you do not know the challenges you may possibly face before and after the birth of that child. Adoption is no different; God brings special children to families in all different ways and nothing is ever 100% risk free.
A large part of me feels like I don't need to justify our decisions to anyone. We prayerfully considered the way we wanted to add more children to our family and we feel God is taking us to China. End of story.
But, I do understand the genuine curiosity about what leads adoptive couples to make one of the biggest decisions in their lives and I admit I share the same curiosity when I hear of other couple's decision to adopt from other countries or the US foster system. I hope my blog can reach just one person who is contemplating adoption and to help them understand the thought process that brought us to the China, I will lay it out here.
Domestic adoption
Domestic adoption is typically referred to as an adoption plan set up by a birth mother. They are usually newborn infants adopted by the couple or person the birth mother or agency chooses. The majority of the adoptions are semi-open to open adoptions that allow contact with the birth mom set forth by a plan devised between her and the adoptive family.
I've seen costs for domestic adoption range from $12,000-$35,000 or more.
Our children are all 7 years old or older; we knew immediately we did not want to adopt a newborn. Even though the disruption statistics are lower than what most people assume we still were not comfortable with the idea we could pay a few thousand dollars and have the possibility that the child would not be placed for adoption at the last minute and we'd be back at square one- financially and emotionally.
Domestic adoption was not for us.
Foster Adoption
The foster adoptions are facilitated through Division of Family Services in each individual state. Many, many children in the US wait for forever homes and in the deciding stages of our adoption I felt incredible guilt that I wasn't pulled towards foster adoption. I know they need good homes; I know they need the love of stable parents but at this time we just didn't feel it was a good fit for our family.
The age range and gender of the child we want to adopt is quite common among adoptive families (beyond newborn adoption). We would have most likely waited a year or more to be matched with a child. Due to the age we desired this child would have most likely come to us before their parental rights were terminated making for required visits with the birth family. The goal of DFS is to reunite a child with their birth family. I completely understand that and whole-heartedly support it when it is clear that is best for the child. Unfortunately, it can take years to terminate parental rights in some cases and the risk does exists that the child will be reunited and your adoption plan terminated.
We have three children already and while making the decision to 1. adopt and 2. what avenue we would take to adopt, we had to consider the needs of our current children first. Is any adoption going to be easy, especially when adopting an older child? No. But we felt the risk of a complete upheaval to our childrens' daily lives was higher when adopting an older child from the foster system. This could have been completely untrue but when weighing all of our options we didn't feel like we were the best family for a foster child at this time.
International Adoption
Children who are orphans are available for adoption from many countries, all of which have different guidelines and restrictions and of course, a fairly wide range of cost. Here is a good chart comparing the different guidelines, restrictions and cost.
Our list of countries were narrowed down fairly quickly based on number of children in the home already, children available, wait times, length of travel and of course, cost again. We considered potential situations that may arise after placement based on reported prenatal and orphanage care before the adoption, and how we could use that information to minimize the risk of upheaval to our current family life.
And the bottom line to all of this is- GOD is taking us to China. After comparing, considering and praying about what would be the best way for us to add another child to our family, I kept coming back to China. Is it the orphanage care, the travel, the cost, the one-child policy, the clear restrictions (you meet them and adopt or you don't meet them and you don't adopt)? Yes, it is. But all of that didn't make our decision to adopt from China; the pull at my heart every time I considered another country or option, that I truly feel was put there by God, is why we found our daughter in China.
Is this going to be hard? Yes
Are we going to face challenges due to Claire being six/seven years old at adoption? Yes
Will Claire grieve the loss of her foster family, her culture, her language, her country? Yes
Are we prepared? Eh, I want to think so but no, we probably aren't.
Will parenting her be different from the other children? Yes
Is attachment and bonding going to be hard? Yes
Is it a big risk? Yes
Is it worth it? Absolutely
Just like getting two positive lines on an EPT, you do not know the challenges you may possibly face before and after the birth of that child. Adoption is no different; God brings special children to families in all different ways and nothing is ever 100% risk free.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Fundraiser
We are thinking of several different ways to raise funds for our adoption and our first attempt is a Tastefully Simple catalog party through a consultant will donate 50% of her profits towards our adoption. Fill up on some good, EASY food while helping us bring our new girl home! (I can't wait until we get matched and decide on her name so we can stop saying "new girl, new sister or new daughter!") Click on the Tastefully Simple logo to order through our fundraiser.My favorites are the beer bread mix and the almond pound cake. The beer bread can be made with any carbonated beverage making the possibilities endless! Check out the recipe section for many different uses for both products.
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