Grief sneeking up

Things have gone so well the last four months that these last two weeks really snuck up me. Claire has been grieving a lot lately, a lot more than I anticipated. I think this is related to many things all adding up together.

*School is out and her routine of keeping busy during the day is not happening.
*The more English she gains (which is a lot, she's basically conversationally fluent) she is able to tell us stories. For a couple of days last week she talked non-stop about China, her aunts, her grandmother, her friends, everything. We loved hearing her stories and it seemed as though everything would trigger a story. One time we were looking for fabric and she told us her "sister" had something that looked like a particular fabric. (I say "sister" because this girl was actually a friend who lived in another house.) But then she had a hard grieving cry later that night when she went to bed and had some quiet time to think on her own.
*She's forgetting Chinese. When she realized she was actually forgetting the words it made her sad and she said she wanted to remember Chinese but then when we would practice with her she didn't remember some words and would start off a sadness circle.
*The "honeymoon" period is pretty much over and the tip toe of "don't make Claire upset, give her want she wants" is starting to wane. Going from the oldest of two and dictating how things are done to the youngest of four isn't making her too happy. We encourage the kids to play fair and all but in reality there is a pecking order in siblings; there just is. Even if everything is fair, with four kids they only get what they want 25% of the time.
One example: The other kids had to prove they could handle a Nintendo DS by starting with a Leapster, progressing to a Gameboy and then purchasing a DS with birthday money. We don't make the other kids share their DS with her and then she gets upset that she doesn't have one.

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I typed the above post on 6/20 and then stopped. I always intended to come back and write more but summer things, like swimming, were just too important!

Claire has started to have less grieving than a few weeks ago when I started this post but we still see more than we did initially. She cries most often when she is upset, rather it be from not getting her way, getting hurt or being scared. Recently she was at a playground and I was watching her while sitting on a bench. The bench was in the sun and I got hot so I moved 4 feet to other side of the sidewalk to stand in the shade. A couple of minutes later she ran off the equipment with a look of panic on her face and when she saw me she started crying and said "I not see you, I think you leave me." While we don't see much fear of abandonment on the outside, it is definitely there inside and it is probably something she will always wrestle with. I reassured her that I will never leave her but the mood was set and we had to get through a grief episode and tears before moving forward with the rest of the day.

So, what does a grief episode look like?
This may be different for each child but here is what happens with Claire.
I can tell when a grief episode is coming. When an episode is triggered by something she doesn't like, she gets quiet and reserved. She is usually talkative and very happy so I know something is up if she stops talking, won't answer questions and especially if she just looks at me without a response when I ask her what is wrong. She gets this look in her eyes that she's not really here, almost like I can visually see her "check out" and go to another place. I'm sure that place is her memories from China. As I see her check out, her eyes will usually fill with tears and one more "what is wrong" is enough to bring the full episode of tears. Most of the time she answers with "I want China" or "I miss China" but sometimes it is that she misses her nai nai and a yis. We usually just hold her, hug her, kiss her and rock her. Several times we have told her we miss China too and we always validate her feelings. Her grief is real, it's raw and most times all we can do is hold her and reassure her that she is safe here and we are forever.

When she was telling many stories during the day a few weeks ago she cried several nights in a row after I tucked her into bed. Around the third night I was starting to wonder if we were doing the right thing. I actually looked at J and said "what should I do? Are we making it better or worse?" He didn't know either so then while holding Claire I looked at her and said "what can mommy do to make you feel better?" Her response? "Sing me rock a baby"; the song I sang to her when she cried that first night we had her in China. By the end of the song she had stopped crying and smiled.

I thought to myself "wow, why didn't I just ask her all this time what would make her feel better?!"

Last week my sister-in-law and her family stopped by for a visit and we talked about the increase in grief episodes lately. She lost someone very close to her last year and when comparing Claire's grief to that of losing someone she said that her grief peaked out about six months after he had passed away. It was about that time that she realized that the person she lost was really gone and not coming back.

Claire has been with us for 5 months now and I think the same thing is happening. The honeymoon is wearing off and she's really here to stay.

I always thought that we'd have the most grief at the beginning and then the time between episodes would get longer as time went on. This is not what has happened. We saw very little grief in the beginning and it really snuck up on us around the 4 month mark.

It's happened at home, at the houses of our family members, at a restaurant and most recently at the amusement park; grief doesn't care where we are.

I hope this is helpful to parents adopting older children. I read as much as I possibly could before we traveled to bring Claire home and thought I knew what to expect. While I do think we were fairly well prepared, there have been a few things that I wasn't expecting and this is one of them.

Grief

Imagine having the same caregiver for over 6 years and then suddenly being taken from them, given to people who do not speak your language, being told you have a new mom and dad and then leaving your country with people who are basically strangers. I think it's safe to assume that none of us would be cool with the idea. Everything that has happened to Claire is equivalent to someone dying and that person would be like her mom; grief is sure to follow.

We only saw Claire get upset and ask for her nai nai (grandma) once, after that initial day, while we were in China. This was the afternoon of her vaccinations when she was tired and not feeling well. It didn't last long but it was a window into what we would probably see more of at home, and we have.

A few days ago Emily printed out a dot-to-dot for each of them to complete. Claire finished hers and I asked her if she wanted to color it; she told me no. I didn't push the issue and went upstairs to get ready. I came back down and the pictures were colored and I told her how great it looked. She was mad, very grumpy and pouty so I asked what was wrong. She didn't say anything and then went upstairs and sat on her bed crying. I followed her and held her on my lap. She eventually stopped crying but was still very withdrawn. Then Emily came upstairs and she was very upset as well. It seems that Claire got upset when Emily tried to show her what color the giraffe should be colored. I tried to tell Emily that it probably had nothing to do with her coloring on Claire's paper but something else. It could have been that she colored with her grandma or she saw giraffes at the zoo with her grandma and this brought back the memory, or it might have been as the oldest child in her foster family she was in charge and never had someone else show her how to do something. We will probably never know but I think it's safe to assume that it was definitely grief.

Today, Claire and I ran some errands. Our first stop was the school because Matthew forgot his lunch. On the way there I stopped rather quickly when a light changed red. I looked back at Claire and she gave me a very dirty look and was not happy with me. Then at the school I asked her if she wanted to go to school and she told me no. I stayed excited and told her she gets to go here in 20something days and again she said no.
After that we needed to run to Sams Club. Before leaving the house I fed her a banana because she told me she was hungry but after the school she told me she was hungry again. I found some goldfish in a baggy from a few days earlier and gave those to her. She didn't say anything or eat them before getting to Sams Club (she likes them because she has eaten before). When we got there and I opened the door she burst out in tears, just sobbing and uttered one word- nai nai.
I unbuckled her, held onto her and let her cry; there isn't really much you can say but I told her I loved her and "I know." She withdrew so much that she took off the crocheted hat that she had on. I gave it to her yesterday after Emily had one on and told her I made it. Yesterday her eyes lit up when she realized I made it for her but today she didn't want it on, at all. That was her way of putting up a wall, I think.

We perused around Sams Club; I got her a pretzel because she was hungry and she perked up a bit. Then, when almost home she started singing songs in Chinese. If she's happy when she's singing she enjoys entertaining people but if she starts singing when she's quiet and withdrawing it means she's about to start crying. I'm not sure if singing when she's sad brings China back to her or if she is trying to win our love or approval by singing because maybe she was told to? I don't know. Upon pulling into the driveway she started to get upset and I looked back to see the "I'm about to vomit" face. I hurriedly got her out of the van and she proceeded to vomit in the yard. I'm still not 100% convinced that her vomiting is motion sickness. We've given her medicine a few times since getting home but we've driven almost every day. She's only vomited twice in the car and today and both times were when she got quiet; today was worse though. I don't know if the vomiting is something she does when she's upset or if the stress brings on the motion sickness.

One thing I do know is that it will get better. This time she went 5 days in between grief episodes and from reading stories of other older adopted children the episodes should get spaced farther and farther apart the longer she is home. Right now when thinking about her grandma she gets sad and just like grieving the death of a loved one, eventually she will remember China and her grandma with a good feeling rather than a sad feeling.